So, we've been a little MIA for the last 5 months or so and guess its time to come back to the real world. Even though sometimes I think we have had more of the real world than we can take! So hopefully we can get a little caught up on everything!
From the months of March through May we made a decision based on a lot of prayer to go through the expensive invitro fertilization process, in hopes that we might be able to get pregnant. The process itself was a little tiring but we felt so certain that this is what God wanted us to do in our lives that we were happy to take on the challanges, and everything that came with it. Including blood being drawn every other day, 2 - 6 shots a day, medications, and many other uncomfortable procedures and tests. The initial outcome was incredibly hopeful. The eggs fertilized and began to mature quickly inside it's little petrie dish. Then the day before transfering two embryos and freezing the rest. We lost the rest of them, they just didnt continue growing. It was disheartening, mostly because if these two embryos did not fertilize we didnt have any more to fall back on and try again. So we had those two embryos placed up high in my uterus and hoped for ther best. There is really no trick way I supposed of keeping the embryos, just bed rest for 3 days....after a week or so we went in and they drew blood for the pregnancy test. And we waited for 45 minutes before they told us the news.
The test was negative.
I so wanted out of that office, and they just kept trying to schedule us for one last appointment, I just couldnt handle it. I fought so hard to keep my tears back, wanting to be brave and not let thee nurses see the hurt and sadness flood over me. We managed to make to sears where we were getting our brakes fixed, when th flood and storm of emotions overtoke me to the point of racking sobs and uncontrollable shaking. Im sure I worried my husband. The pain and anguish of that moment is still so raw. And just then Sears came out to tell us it would cost us $1200 to fix the cars brakes. SOOOO not the right moment.
Jacob took the rest of the day off and we went home and just stared at each other. And we knew, that we just needed to get away from the sadness of our house. The empty syringes, and ultrasound pictures, from all of medicine unopened we were supposed to start taking once we got pregnant, away from questioning eyes, and un needed advice. Away to a happy place.
And so we went to Disneyland. It was a much needed time for us to talk and re group and work through our spiritual feelings. Knowing that we felt prompted to go through with invitro. Knowing though even up to this moment that God had prompted us for different reasons than we ever realized. We felt a lot of peace and a lot of tears that week. But were able to enjoy the shows and rides and each other. Funny though how every little tender moment in the shows made my eyes tear up mpre than it ever would.
On our way back home it was hard to realize that we would have to go back to real life. And apreciated what we had together. Grateful for the support, and connection we had. Knowing it would be impossible to endure it with anyone else. And not looking forward to explaining it to anyone else. It was like a sacred sadness that was all our own there to conquer with each other and God.
Our last appointment was even more disappointing. According to his professional view. He couldnt figure out why in the world someone so young would only have 6 mature eggs instead of 22 per month. Then after saying he couldnt figure it out he said my clock was ticking faster than it should and it was a hereditery problem that couldnt be fixed. Immediatly when he said that I felt the spirit tell me it wasn't true. And we left.
have we conquered our trial yet? Whew, I really don't know. Learning and overcoming is a process we are still working out. The pain has lessened and so have the list of why's. Someone said today where God closes a door he opens a window. I believe that. Im still looking for that window though and the motivation to go through it.
We are blessed. We are grateful. We are happy. And we love each other more than ever. And now as our world starts to turn again, we look forward to where it will take us.
2 comments:
Leisa,
Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are definitely in my prayers. Thanks for being a good example of how we should live our lives and follow the promptings of the Spirit even though we may not understand.
~Kiersten
that brought me to tears, it's been hard to know what you have gone through, I am grateful for your example of faithfulness in a trial, it can be so hard to keep going when you don't understand, but you have. You'll make it.
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