I am not my body Vs Lost my muchness

I love this movie..ALICE IN WONDERLAND..I get so into movies sometimes and really see myself in character's and their roles. Recently we watched for the first time and I thought, I feel the same way! At one point (I can't remember who..maybe the Mad Hatter) points to Alice and tells her she isn't the same Alice as before because she has lost her "Muchness" Alice's father's death had a profound affect on her life. She lost her confidence, her drive, she lost the essence of who she was and began to be bounced around in life by others decisions for her.

I have to say... I can relate.

This recent difficulty in the last five years of my health has made me feel like I am what my physical weakness is. Does that even make sense? The more surgeries I have, the more I find out is wrong, the more pain I feel, the more physical weakness I feel..play a part mentally in this crazy eroding game of cat and mouse. I try to be optimistic..fight through the pain..then have to have another surgery...I rise again staying optimistic, to find out another health problem has been added to the list..I regain motivation again..in order to lose my job over my surgery recovery...it's this up and down of trying to be strong during a time when my body has been weak. Trying to have the strength to go beyond physical limitation and still serve, bless, help, love....all the while in the back feeling like I am my body..weak, tired, in pain..I am what my body is. And slowly sometimes I see my "muchness" fading away.

My confidence, drive for goals, accomplishing my goals, determination..things I love about myself chipping away during the fight.

And then I watch things like this video..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E ...and I think..that is it! There is the truth! I am not my body, the weakness of it does not define me, my pain does not define me..just because my body is weak..does not define me as weak!

I do not have to find an adventure like Alice where I have to rise up and defend the weak in order to find myself again.

Instead I will share with you what I HAVE done...I HAVE come to a knowledge that I am God's daughter. That His work and glory is for all of us to return to him one day. If that is the grand purpose..then every experience along the way nods to that path.

I recently attended a women's convention where Jillian Michaels of "The Biggest Loser' spoke and said, " If you can figure out the "why" you can handle any "how."

And I thought how true...Why I ultimately go through these trials on earth is to overcome all weakness to become more like Christ and be worthy and clean to live with God again one day.
So "why" do I endure? So I can live with God again...and then I know I can endure any 'how' or 'trial' to get there.

I HAVE come to understand that the atonement of Jesus Christ not only covered our sins but our physical, emotional, and spiritual ailments. So I not only help ask for help in overcoming sin..but also for healing strength to overcome the emotional damages of trials and physical pain. But I have to ask, I have to have faith in Christ, believe that he can heal me if I do my part in trying to overcome them..and I can work on this daily! So many times I think I can only ask for help and healing after a trial has passed. Not true..he can help strengthen me during a trial.."ease my burden".

This personal revelation has helped me to rise above my fading self image..and given me courage...strength..motivation..joy..purpose...love...and isn't that what muchness really is?

New place ... New Design

So in planning for future events in life, Jacob and I have recently moved into a Townhouse, parts of which are quite a bit smaller than the rest. Which is fine..just a bit of grumbling from both of us on where this or that will go..and some unique ideas...and some creative juices, I think everything will turn out just fine!

We were able to paint which was nice, and so things are coming along well. As we looked for small ways to make the house feel nicer I came across this light on ebay.

It's from Koan Living, it comes in 45 or so capital "I" shaped pieces, and instructions on how to create the orb, it took patience and a little time ( and a little starting over a couple times) but it was well worth it..and VERY beautiful. Everyone that comes in loves it...It hangs in our dining room. For the moment there isn't much else in there so I don't have a picture of it in my house but here is a stock photo of what it looks like.

I really love it! I can't wait to have our dining room finished so I can show you what it looks like!

Beautiful Blogger Award Becky Newton- Crystal Jenkins- Tara Fears- Jenny Allen - Melissa Giles - Misty and Holly

Well my darling friend Brittany (http://idahowhitegirl.blogspot.com/?spref=fb)

sent me this blog award! Thank you very much! Your very sweet! Along with the "award" comes a requirement to write 7 unknown things about me. since Jacob is part of this blog I will name seven things some people may not know about him too.

Leisa
1. I sleep in the same position every night, on my stomach, right leg bent up as far as it can go, left hand on my heart, and right hand on my stomach. I also cannot sleep if there is any noise or any light in the room, even a clock.

2. I used to take a lot of pain killers for my different pains every day, but now I try to use as many ways possible to not have to. For example I get terrible migraines and sinus headaches, but I have found if I take a bath and turn so that my head is under the faucet, and then turn the heat up as far as I can stand, the water continually beating on my forehead temporarily removes my pain. i turn the water hotter and hotter as I go and then when I stand up my head feels..well..the only way I can explain it that it feels similar to when you put your hand out the window as your driving and it feels tingly when you pull it back in. My head feels this way instead of the pain, and then it allows me to be able to fall asleep. When I wake up it's better! Try it! It really works!

3. I have always wanted to be in the Olympics, I just never had the confidence to back it up I guess, but I would have loved to be in the Olympics for swimming or running.

4. I really love and actually crave studying the scriptures and the Gospel. I could (and have) study it all day every day. I've studied Hebrew and translation of the Old testament, I love looking up words and where they came from, I love symbolism, and I love the peace and clarity I receive when I do.

5. I'm a girly girl at heart, if I had all the money in the world I would dress the part, but when your so tall your clothes are pretty limited.

6. I can be quite shy, I know, some may be surprised by this..some may not. I've always felt pretty awkward being so tall and very self conscious...I feel like a giant walking around. For that reason I really don't like being the center of attention. I've also been bitterly betrayed by several people in my lifetime, so I become very shy if I feel I'm being judged..or if that person is not a safe person to be around ( if they are hateful towards others). It's definitely something I'm working on.

7. I would love to be able to have lots and lots of children. ( Jacob won't let me use the word kid..it's a goat..I think that's funny..true..but funny) and then be the type of family that can financially afford to secretly help people in need, or take people in if they need it. I know Jacob feels the same way.

Jacob (from Leisa's perspective)

1. Wishes he had taken those college recruiters on when they came knocking at his basketball games in high school. Every once in awhile when he takes a shot he'll say, " If I make this I should have gone pro!" and then of course makes it. He still plays on Thursday nights and in his sleep ;)

2. Whenever he eats hot things he hiccups..I think it's really endearing.

3. Jacob can tell you what kind of car is coming his way day or night simply by looking at the headlights...he can usually tell you the year too.

4. Jacob has this way of calming any situation around him, from friends to people on the streets. He's just one of those people that others flock to because of his personality and influence.

5. He may not admit it outright, but the boy likes to cook. Grill of course..but he likes to put things together to see how they will come out..baking cooking..he likes to be around me when I cook and try something to add to dinner. I'm not sure if he has always liked to or just jumps in because I love it so much.

6. He has several crazy scars. He went through the windshield in a car accident several years ago and can still feel glass in his face to this day. The long one on his left side of his face is from when he was three and a neighborhood kid decided to "slit his throat" He said the cut wasn't very long or deep and didn't bleed much but the scar stretched and grew as he got older.

7. He picks up new things so quickly. His attention to detail amazes me too. It has enabled him to progress quickly in just about anything he tries.


Well that's it! Not too boring I hope! Here are the people I nominate.

Becky Newton- Crystal Jenkins- Tara Fears- Jenny Allen - Melissa Giles - Misty and Holly


Instructions 1-Thank the person giving you this award 2-Copy the award to your blog (the pic at the top) 3-Place a link to their blog 4-Name 7 tidbits people don't know about you from reading your blog 5-Nominate 7 people 6-Place link to those Bloggers 7-Leave a comment letting those bloggers know about the award
Here are my 7 Wonderful friends that I have nominated